Hey, we don’t know each other but let’s be honest with one another. Separation, divorce, and relationship break-ups always have a gift to offer us, but the initial break-up cooling period sucks. For most of us, when we’re in relationship, it feels like we’re on solid ground. It may feel comfortable and soft to walk on, or it may be rocky and painful, but at least you know where you stand. Hey, there are even songs written about breaking up. Alot of them are country songs!
Recently a relationship with a man I loved ended. It was his call, not mine. To our credit, it ended with not so well, as I was left bewildered what had occurred. Yes, we had felt some pebbles showing up on our path together as we have known each other for a long time. But his decision to end the relationship knocked me off my feet and into the void. We had some rough patches, and some really times, but this person left me clueless.
In general, when a relationship ends, a person is inevitably launched into a lurid void or the abyss, where there’s nothing solid to land on nor stable ground. Unfortunately, this is when the emotional rollercoaster goes on overdrive, some faster than others. Falling into the void feels intellectually ascertain and emotionally powerless. It’s an uncertainty, as us humans don’t know where or when we’re going to land on our feet again.
Living in the void is a critical time to really dance, sing and flow with our true feelings; a time to break the walls. My own loss of a great romantic relationship reminded me how wonderful and powerful our emotions are –yet I rarely acknowledged it. In reality, stepping into that zone is not something I am comfortable with. At first, I felt the grief, sadness and loss not only of that person, but the dreams we had and the opportunities that were not yet realized. In addition, the loss my surrogate family is even harder to swallow.
This man and I were a surrogate for three years off and on, mostly on, was wonderful to my daughter, Sydney. I dread the day my daughter questions me on this man’s existence in our lives. I can imagine her heart being broken, so that makes two of us feeling the grief. He wasn’t in a relationship with just me, but it was with me and my daughter. So when children are involved, especially at a young age when they cling to security; events like this make it tragic for children. When you’re a single parent and you get involved with a single person without any children, be very cautious of the relationship and the exposure to the children. Young children tend to be very clingy towards loving adults whom they feel safe with, besides mommy and daddy.
My many years of cognitive therapy have taught me many lessons. More than I ever wanted to know about myself and the world around me. I get tired of the same people telling me that “time will heal”. Face it, why would the happily married folks know what’s it’s like to lose someone you love. The healing from the grief comes from going through the period of loss and the release of feelings openly. Bottling them and denying them will only prolong the physical loss and grief of your loved one.
Heck, there is and will be a certain discomfort in the void, which often borders on emotional and physical pain. Basically our heart breaks and aches, like you have never felt before. At times a person will seethe with despair and become an angry person. I had discovered that emotions live on a full spectrum, and when a person takes risks even if it involves pain and suffering, there is the upside of joy and love beyond the grief of downside risk of pain, we simultaneously cap the up-side reward of joy and love. If we rush the process of grief we risk leaving some unresolved pain and issues within us that will make an encore appearance in a future relationship.
Experiencing emotional drama from my daughter’s involvement in the family relationship with this particular man drove me to understand the dynamics of powerful human emotions and how strong they are. Living in the despair isn’t as terrible as it sounds. This is the time in a break-up that a person should reflect the past, drain out the bad stuff and begin the healing process. You can’t heal completely, and flush out the bad “toxins” if you rush – thus “Time Will Heal”. Now I finally understand that cliché.
